... No. I believe you care about others greatly, and that's why you want to bring everyone back. That this stems from your resolve, and that it would pain you to kill another.
[ still, there is no doubt in his voice, no hesitation. ]
But if I can have any say at all, I would rather my life be used to preserve another.
what a childish, plaintive response. yet in this moment, it rests on soo-won's tongue because ultimately, for all his talk of logic and certainty - it is hurting his friends that makes him stay in one spot. that makes him unable to move.
it's why he's always unable to take a single step, in the face of hak's anger, even if it might mean his own death - which he otherwise tries so hard to avoid.]
.... if I find information that suggests that it would be the best course of action -
.... I will try to honor your request.
[but.
he's not sure if he can make that choice a moment sooner.]
[ . . . . it won't take that long, because he has to put himself back together. there's no denying the saddened quality to his gaze even as he lifts his head - because he cannot deny the suffering it would bring him to have to hurt his friend even more than he already has.
but perhaps.... that too is deserved, for what he is considering.]
.... until that happens, I....
.... I may have to do what I can to at least ensure that our team would be brought back. I don't.... know about the others but -
If you're willing to make a sacrifice like that... I don't want it to be for nothing.
I don't. I admit, that may be hard to get, given that the topic already passed between myself and Wolf - and if Fox even got the same information, they're holding it close to the chest.
.... but I may pursue it regardless, if this week's information tells us nothing new.
But at present... before this week, Wolf, Rabbit, Fox, and our team all killed one each. This weekend, the information is not with any of us - but may be with Swan, Fox, or both. Tiger still hasn't accomplished a kill. I... worry that one kill only on each team will not be enough to revive their removed.
As far as I can tell. Unless someone does know and they haven't been able to share it with anyone....
[ . . . . ]
.... I know why you're cautious about wanting to bring people back. I...
Lup got mad at me this week, because she thought that her feelings didn't matter to me - and I proceeded to seek information even after she asked me not to.
But even if I disagree with you, or do something that you think is unnecessary.... I hope you know it's not because I don't care for you.
... If it turns out the number is one, or two, I don't want for anyone to take a life that they wouldn't have otherwise.
[ or rather, there's a lot of things he doesn't want, but.
... ]
For a thousand years, that child and I argued, and over the most fundamental of beliefs. In the end, perhaps nothing changes... [ maybe, he's destined to always disagree with those around him ] --but I never doubted once that he and I cared for each other.
[ was it a happy relationship, in his memories? not really. but he doesn't go into things expecting happiness out of them. ]
... I know. I don't either. But from the sound of it... one may not be enough. I'll see what clarity I can get before I intend on acting - I'm not interested in rash decisions either.
[but he also just... can't deny the current reality of the situation. a bloodbath would only worsen morale, really.]
.... I'm sorry.
[and for once - he can mean it. he won't apologize for his pursuit for how to save the most amount of people but... he can apologize for the way that those things can make people feel, at least in the moments before he does them.]
I'm beginning to think.... I am someone who is not easy to be friends with.
I wouldn't have reached out to you if I knew I would only cause you to suffer. [but here they are.] I... wish I could bring you more happiness than this.
[even if goat doesn't expect it - at least because he deserves it.]
... Do not apologize. If it wasn't you, it would inevitably be someone else.
I had a talk with someone else earlier today about how it isn't always clear, what is right and what is wrong. Though I can't remember who, I feel like someone taught me a long time ago--that those things are like a rainbow, and so one cannot easily separate them.
[ and if he has any reason to think he didn't die then, when his friend pierced through his chest, it's because he's a much more cold-hearted person than he recalls being in his memories, he thinks. ]
I know you understand the weight of a life. Your thoughts and happiness are worth as much as anyone else's; I won't ask you to not pursue what you believe in.
[ . . . . what he believes in. he wishes that he was someone with a better idea of that. who could say that he believes in a path that the gods set for him - but no. for as long as he could remember, it was about what he could discern for himself.
and he would make choices, based on reason, not emotion.]
..... I don't believe right and wrong can be used to determine one's actions - nor can the words 'good' and 'bad. But even I know... that based on what I've done in my life, I likely cannot be considered a good person.
We only have decisions, and what we can live with, based on what we want to accomplish.
Yet even if I believe in that... Maybe I shouldn't get a chance to selfishly say 'I want the people I consider friends to be happy', when I cannot promise it.
I am not necessarily a good person either, you know.
[ there is always an ominous feeling, lurking in the back of his mind. ]
... I told you before. Regardless of all else, I am someone who exists to help people, and that conviction will always keep me going. Don't concern yourself with my feelings--if others are happy or can be at ease with your decisions, then that is enough for me.
[and he can't help but laugh a bit - more or a rueful noise]
I'm beginning to understand... Why everyone grows cross with me, and tells me that saying 'don't worry' won't actually do anything in terms of their concern.
Because you can tell me not to concern myself with your feelings - but permission does not make the emotions stop.
manages a little bit of a smile at that, letting it break through his expression as he reaches out for goat's hand again. maybe this time he won't let go.]
... then let me remind you.
That even if you are used to being hurt.... I wish that I didn't add to your troubles. Even if it is impossible to go through life without harming another person, that doesn't mean that it should be done rampantly and without concern.
I cannot make a beautiful promise like "I will never hurt you" - but I can promise you at least that...
I will want for your moments of peace to be longer than your moments of strife.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ still, there is no doubt in his voice, no hesitation. ]
But if I can have any say at all, I would rather my life be used to preserve another.
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but I don't want to.
what a childish, plaintive response. yet in this moment, it rests on soo-won's tongue because ultimately, for all his talk of logic and certainty - it is hurting his friends that makes him stay in one spot. that makes him unable to move.
it's why he's always unable to take a single step, in the face of hak's anger, even if it might mean his own death - which he otherwise tries so hard to avoid.]
.... if I find information that suggests that it would be the best course of action -
.... I will try to honor your request.
[but.
he's not sure if he can make that choice a moment sooner.]
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goat smiles softly, if sadly. ]
... I know it is a difficult request, as well as a heavy burden, and I'm sorry to ask it of you.
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You, Blanca, Chiron....
You're all asking me to be the one to remove you.
How can I say no?
[when people need him - as they always have.]
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[ goat pauses, and then gently, unless soo-won pulls away, he moves to embrace him. ]
... We will figure something out. Life often doesn't work out the way we want it to... but we must persevere, nevertheless.
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.... you can't ask me to remove you, and then comfort me after your own request, stubborn old goat.
[but.
he drops his forehead to rest on goat's shoulder anyway, if only to obscure his expression.]
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I can do what I want, so there.
[ he lets soo-won rest against him, and will remain like that for however long soo-won needs. ]
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but perhaps.... that too is deserved, for what he is considering.]
.... until that happens, I....
.... I may have to do what I can to at least ensure that our team would be brought back. I don't.... know about the others but -
If you're willing to make a sacrifice like that... I don't want it to be for nothing.
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[ ... ]
Do you know the number needed yet?
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.... but I may pursue it regardless, if this week's information tells us nothing new.
But at present... before this week, Wolf, Rabbit, Fox, and our team all killed one each. This weekend, the information is not with any of us - but may be with Swan, Fox, or both. Tiger still hasn't accomplished a kill. I... worry that one kill only on each team will not be enough to revive their removed.
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... Mm. That is worth looking into, at least. And it is still unknown what team Virid was on, isn't it?
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[ . . . . ]
.... I know why you're cautious about wanting to bring people back. I...
Lup got mad at me this week, because she thought that her feelings didn't matter to me - and I proceeded to seek information even after she asked me not to.
But even if I disagree with you, or do something that you think is unnecessary.... I hope you know it's not because I don't care for you.
Even if all I have to offer are words.
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[ or rather, there's a lot of things he doesn't want, but.
... ]
For a thousand years, that child and I argued, and over the most fundamental of beliefs. In the end, perhaps nothing changes... [ maybe, he's destined to always disagree with those around him ] --but I never doubted once that he and I cared for each other.
[ was it a happy relationship, in his memories? not really. but he doesn't go into things expecting happiness out of them. ]
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[but he also just... can't deny the current reality of the situation. a bloodbath would only worsen morale, really.]
.... I'm sorry.
[and for once - he can mean it. he won't apologize for his pursuit for how to save the most amount of people but... he can apologize for the way that those things can make people feel, at least in the moments before he does them.]
I'm beginning to think.... I am someone who is not easy to be friends with.
I wouldn't have reached out to you if I knew I would only cause you to suffer. [but here they are.] I... wish I could bring you more happiness than this.
[even if goat doesn't expect it - at least because he deserves it.]
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I had a talk with someone else earlier today about how it isn't always clear, what is right and what is wrong. Though I can't remember who, I feel like someone taught me a long time ago--that those things are like a rainbow, and so one cannot easily separate them.
[ and if he has any reason to think he didn't die then, when his friend pierced through his chest, it's because he's a much more cold-hearted person than he recalls being in his memories, he thinks. ]
I know you understand the weight of a life. Your thoughts and happiness are worth as much as anyone else's; I won't ask you to not pursue what you believe in.
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and he would make choices, based on reason, not emotion.]
..... I don't believe right and wrong can be used to determine one's actions - nor can the words 'good' and 'bad. But even I know... that based on what I've done in my life, I likely cannot be considered a good person.
We only have decisions, and what we can live with, based on what we want to accomplish.
Yet even if I believe in that... Maybe I shouldn't get a chance to selfishly say 'I want the people I consider friends to be happy', when I cannot promise it.
Even still, I cannot help but feel it.
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[ there is always an ominous feeling, lurking in the back of his mind. ]
... I told you before. Regardless of all else, I am someone who exists to help people, and that conviction will always keep me going. Don't concern yourself with my feelings--if others are happy or can be at ease with your decisions, then that is enough for me.
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It's not that easy.
[and he can't help but laugh a bit - more or a rueful noise]
I'm beginning to understand... Why everyone grows cross with me, and tells me that saying 'don't worry' won't actually do anything in terms of their concern.
Because you can tell me not to concern myself with your feelings - but permission does not make the emotions stop.
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tries a new tactic? ]
Um... it's okay, I'm used to it...?
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... Had we?
[ goat has already forgotten because his memory is terrible sometimes ]
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[please stop teasing this sweet goat]
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N-No...!
[ soo-won why ]
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manages a little bit of a smile at that, letting it break through his expression as he reaches out for goat's hand again. maybe this time he won't let go.]
... then let me remind you.
That even if you are used to being hurt.... I wish that I didn't add to your troubles. Even if it is impossible to go through life without harming another person, that doesn't mean that it should be done rampantly and without concern.
I cannot make a beautiful promise like "I will never hurt you" - but I can promise you at least that...
I will want for your moments of peace to be longer than your moments of strife.
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[ ...
he lets soo-won take his hand, though he falls silent. ]
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