[ this is why xie lian and goat get along this well, unfortunately
xie lian makes a little "aha!" noise, and pulls out a pack of ore*s! well, a sleeve of them. the bottom of them are a little crushed? i'm sure they're okay. ] Here, the snacks here are so interesting! I can't eat many of them, because they're quite sweet, compared to anything I would eat at home, but they're delicious.
[ he hops up from his spot and shuffles over to offer them to goat! ]
I'm not sure if I have anything in mind, this time. What kind of memory would you like to hear about, Brother Goat?
In my realm, all gods were once humans - they 'ascend' to the Heavenly Realm. There are a few different ways one can ascend - the less common and usually less powerful gods often ascend because they reach a state of immortality through cultivating their spirits. The most powerful ones tend to ascend because of acts of great intelligence, battle strength, or sacrifice, or because someone in the Heavens saw their potential in one category or another.
I ascended for the first time when I was seventeen. [ ... ha ha.
ha.... ] ...And then I descended. ... And then I ascended again when I was in my twenties, and then descended about thirty minutes later... and then ascended again.... and, uh... that's where we are now.
Well... there were two events that happened within fairly quick succession of each other - about a month apart, or so. I hope you're ready for a bit of a story - and that you'll forgive that I may forget some details. It was quite some time ago.
[ there's a little playfulness to that, as he begins to launch into the story. this tag is gonna be so long i apologize so much. ]
...There are four ascensions that are the most famous among humans, in my land, known as the Four Great Tales. The General Who Broke His Sword; The Princess Who Slit Her Throat; The Young Lord Who Poured Wine; and lastly, The Crown Prince who Pleased the Gods.
The last one is me.
...A very long time ago, as the crown prince of the kingdom of Xian Le, I was chosen to play the part of the God-pleasing Martial Warrior in a parade for the Lantern Festival, a day in which humans show their appreciation and ask for blessings from the gods. The parade itself is sacred; each lap that the parade makes is said to represent a year of blessed and peaceful reign for the royal family of Xian Le. In the parade, as the God-pleasing warrior, I was to have a choreographed fight with another combatant, dressed as a terrible ghost, for each lap of the parade, while wearing the ceremonial costumes of the kingdom. It was very heavy, and I was supposed to keep my face covered with a golden mask the entire time, because the people of Xian Le hadn't seen my face yet, as well.
...I was a bit late. [ xie lian laughs, a little. ] But, I leapt down from a ten-meter tower to make it onto the parade route, and supposedly, it looked as if I had descended from the Heavens.
Once it began, we were only supposed to be fighting with a seventh or so of our strength, but the person playing the ghost, at the time, was rather competitive. [ that's a fond, old memory, soaked in something bittersweet; and considering the circumstances, he's glad that it's one he still has. ] So, he gave it his all - and so did I. It turned into quite the martial battle, instead of a play.
We made it about three laps around the entire kingdom, battling nonstop - but when we were coming near the imperial palace to start another, there was a ruckus from the city walls, where the citizens of Xian Le had gathered to watch the parade, hundreds of feet above the ground. I remember hearing a terrible scream, and when I looked up from the battle, I saw a child, falling from the wall - that high up, he was falling to his death.
[ and xie lian's gut instinct -- well, what do you expect from him, at this point? ] ...So, I abandoned the routine, jumped up from the ground, and I caught him safely in my arms.
[ and now, he can recall that too; the dirt streaked, tiny little thing, clinging to the front of his shirt for dear life. the tiny child, hong-er, who sobbed and screamed weeks later when the whole world turned on him - and xie lian protected him then, too. he remembers whispering hold on tight as he landed, and faced mu qing once more.
maybe he didn't change the fate of xian le, but he likes to think maybe, at least that day, he helped change the fate of that child for the better. at least a little. ]
I finished the rest of the fight with him in my arms.
[ he nods along to indicate that he's listening (xie lian may come to realize that goat tends to look a bit zoned out, otherwise).
also, gonna be honest, his memory can be terrible even without amnesia, so he's probably not going to recall all the details of that parade. but the part he focuses on is-- ]
... Was the child all right? Falling like that must have been frightening... It's a good thing you saved him.
He was completely unharmed - I was able to use my spiritual energy to cushion the blow for the both of us, so.
[ xie lian has a smile for goat, then, warm and fond. ] I could hardly get him to let go of me, when all was said and done, and that was not the last I saw of him, either. It's funny you should ask so, actually - that child was remarkably hardy. Almost stubbornly so, despite being so small for his age.
[ wonder what happened to him, that little red themed child who only had one eye................................
coughs. ]
The kingdom was in a fuss after it all, especially - um. There was someone in the palace, who was especially mad, but I can't seem to recall who he was... or many of the details of it, but there was a whole thing about it being a bad omen.
Bad omen or not, I'm glad that I saved his life. I would do the same thing, if I had the chance to redo it.
Mm. To put some astrological nonsense of "fate" before the life of a living person is ridiculous. [ ...well, he has some strong feelings about that, even now! it comes out a bit more strongly than it should have. there's someone that maybe would've scolded him for speaking that way, once, but he can't remember them right now. ]
...Anyway - um, that was what caught the gods attention, though I believe it was moreso the fighting than it was the act of saving that child. I ascended about a month later, when I fought a Wrath-level demon and prevented it from destroying Xian Le.
I still don't fully understand how the ascension works or the nature of godhood in your world or what a "Wrath-level" demon means... but it all sounds very impressive.
[ a pause ]
Though, as skilled as you must be, I think saving that child is more worthy of attention than the fighting. [ no offence. ] The gods of your world sound as though they have strange priorities.
...I suppose I got a little far off of the question, didn't I...?
[ hahaha... oops. he laughs, a little sheepishly, and tries for the tl;dr: ]
Basically... ascending is based on action. Everyone who ascends is a god of something - usually either a martial god, or a medicine god, or a literature god, though there are some others. People worship them based on whatever they want to pray for, or what they find most compelling - in my time, I have always been a martial god, so warriors prayed to me most often, but I was also more or less the patron god of Xian Le, so, anyone would come to me for that.
And... [ here, he softens a little. ] ...I agree with you. [ on both accounts. ] But there are rarely any who ascend for acts of kindness - I think my world would be far different, if that was the case.
You said you remembered something of the gods in your world, right, Brother Goat? What are they like?
[ he thinks for a moment, as if trying to remember. ]
... Humans worship many different gods, depending on their culture, though without proof that any exist.
As for the gods themselves, I believe... they were all born as such? No, that doesn't feel quite right... but the idea of humans becoming gods, at least, feels unfamiliar.
I don't recall any identities, either... but I think I may be one of them?
Is that so? Brother Goat, that's wonderful - it seems we have much in common indeed, if that is the case! [ he's pleased... ]
We did figure out a few weeks ago that you weren't human; to think, we were both godly all along!
You know, if you don't remember what type of god that you were...[ there's a thoughtful pause. ] .... what type of god would you want to be, do you think?
I'm not sure... One who can help others, though I don't think that's what you were asking. [ ... ] What I remember is that I entered the human realm to save a child.
[ lots of children-saving going around here, apparently... ]
In a much later memory, when that child was grown up, he mentioned that no one in the world knew of me, so if I am a god, I wasn't one anyone worshiped.
[ STOP THE CANON PARALLELS ARE DESTROYING ME RIGHT NOW ]
...You...
[ surprise flits across xie lian's face, unbidden, as he search's goat's expression
...and then, it fades a little, into what can only be understanding. an empathetic, quiet sadness, though xie lian tries to keep it off of his face, as he glances down at his lap instead. ]
...It seems we have even more in common still, my friend.
... So it seems. That child would go on to commit many sins, because of my actions--and that is my own sin. If it is divinity I possess, I lost much of it then... although my powers now are stronger than they were in my later memories, so I may have regained it at some point.
[ ... his expression turns from somber, pensive, to a soft smile, directed at xie lian. ]
Many of my memories are still gone, so I don't know for certain how everything turned out. Still, even with what I know... I don't think I can say that given the chance to redo it all, I would leave that child to die instead, before he had dirtied his hands.
You said something to me at the beginning of all of this - that even if our memories are lost, that there are parts of that remain engraved on our souls. I think... it's a bit fuzzy, now, but I think you said mine may well have been to help others.
...It sounds like I can say the same for you, too.
What we remember, and what we forget... our mistakes, or our successes... those things don't define any of us as much as the way we act, in moments of crisis, or in moments of decision, and in how we stand by those decisions, too.
[ there's a pause, and xie lian's smile widens, a little, just endlessly thankful. ] Brother Goat - I am so very glad, that I am on your team.
I think you would've been glad to be on any of the teams. Everyone is kind in their own way. Still, you honour me.
But I agree. It can be difficult to always feel that way, when the memories of one's failures weigh one down... but even if you run away from your mistakes, life will find a way of forcing you to make a decision once more. Is that not so?
All that remains constant is that we must face it, one way or another.
[ and doesn't xie lian know it. ] No matter how terrifying, or world-ending, or how bleak the path ahead must be, we must move forward upon it. That is the only way to break out of the darkness - by shining a light of your own.
[ xie lian pauses where he's finishing off an or*o, letting goat's words wash over him. they really are cut from a similar cloth, and... he feels a little less hesitant in admitting these things, because of it. ]
...I will admit, my friend, that I think forgetting my failings worries me more, than forgetting my successes. The life that I have lived is wrought with them, and there are some lessons that I have learned, and...some things that only I know, that will vanish from this world if I cease to remember them.
xie lian is quiet, for a moment. he looks down at the end of his snack, at his bare, scarred and calloused palms. ]
...Do you remember, aside from the tomato, the very first memory that I told you? Without context, it was off putting.... though with the context, it is worse.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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goat would accept sleeve cookies ]
All right... I have more I can offer this time, too.
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xie lian makes a little "aha!" noise, and pulls out a pack of ore*s! well, a sleeve of them. the bottom of them are a little crushed? i'm sure they're okay. ] Here, the snacks here are so interesting! I can't eat many of them, because they're quite sweet, compared to anything I would eat at home, but they're delicious.
[ he hops up from his spot and shuffles over to offer them to goat! ]
I'm not sure if I have anything in mind, this time. What kind of memory would you like to hear about, Brother Goat?
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[ he takes them! yay, ore*s. ]
... You spoke of gods. What are they like, where you're from?
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Would you believe me if I told you I was one?
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... How does that work? You were once human, were you not?
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In my realm, all gods were once humans - they 'ascend' to the Heavenly Realm. There are a few different ways one can ascend - the less common and usually less powerful gods often ascend because they reach a state of immortality through cultivating their spirits. The most powerful ones tend to ascend because of acts of great intelligence, battle strength, or sacrifice, or because someone in the Heavens saw their potential in one category or another.
I ascended for the first time when I was seventeen. [ ... ha ha.
ha.... ] ...And then I descended. ... And then I ascended again when I was in my twenties, and then descended about thirty minutes later... and then ascended again.... and, uh... that's where we are now.
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... I see. It sounds very different from what I recall of gods, where I'm from.
If I may ask, what did you ascend for?
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[ there's a little playfulness to that, as he begins to launch into the story. this tag is gonna be so long i apologize so much. ]
...There are four ascensions that are the most famous among humans, in my land, known as the Four Great Tales. The General Who Broke His Sword; The Princess Who Slit Her Throat; The Young Lord Who Poured Wine; and lastly, The Crown Prince who Pleased the Gods.
The last one is me.
...A very long time ago, as the crown prince of the kingdom of Xian Le, I was chosen to play the part of the God-pleasing Martial Warrior in a parade for the Lantern Festival, a day in which humans show their appreciation and ask for blessings from the gods. The parade itself is sacred; each lap that the parade makes is said to represent a year of blessed and peaceful reign for the royal family of Xian Le. In the parade, as the God-pleasing warrior, I was to have a choreographed fight with another combatant, dressed as a terrible ghost, for each lap of the parade, while wearing the ceremonial costumes of the kingdom. It was very heavy, and I was supposed to keep my face covered with a golden mask the entire time, because the people of Xian Le hadn't seen my face yet, as well.
...I was a bit late. [ xie lian laughs, a little. ] But, I leapt down from a ten-meter tower to make it onto the parade route, and supposedly, it looked as if I had descended from the Heavens.
Once it began, we were only supposed to be fighting with a seventh or so of our strength, but the person playing the ghost, at the time, was rather competitive. [ that's a fond, old memory, soaked in something bittersweet; and considering the circumstances, he's glad that it's one he still has. ] So, he gave it his all - and so did I. It turned into quite the martial battle, instead of a play.
We made it about three laps around the entire kingdom, battling nonstop - but when we were coming near the imperial palace to start another, there was a ruckus from the city walls, where the citizens of Xian Le had gathered to watch the parade, hundreds of feet above the ground. I remember hearing a terrible scream, and when I looked up from the battle, I saw a child, falling from the wall - that high up, he was falling to his death.
[ and xie lian's gut instinct -- well, what do you expect from him, at this point? ] ...So, I abandoned the routine, jumped up from the ground, and I caught him safely in my arms.
[ and now, he can recall that too; the dirt streaked, tiny little thing, clinging to the front of his shirt for dear life. the tiny child, hong-er, who sobbed and screamed weeks later when the whole world turned on him - and xie lian protected him then, too. he remembers whispering hold on tight as he landed, and faced mu qing once more.
maybe he didn't change the fate of xian le, but he likes to think maybe, at least that day, he helped change the fate of that child for the better. at least a little. ]
I finished the rest of the fight with him in my arms.
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also, gonna be honest, his memory can be terrible even without amnesia, so he's probably not going to recall all the details of that parade. but the part he focuses on is-- ]
... Was the child all right? Falling like that must have been frightening... It's a good thing you saved him.
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[ xie lian has a smile for goat, then, warm and fond. ] I could hardly get him to let go of me, when all was said and done, and that was not the last I saw of him, either. It's funny you should ask so, actually - that child was remarkably hardy. Almost stubbornly so, despite being so small for his age.
[ wonder what happened to him, that little red themed child who only had one eye................................
coughs. ]
The kingdom was in a fuss after it all, especially - um. There was someone in the palace, who was especially mad, but I can't seem to recall who he was... or many of the details of it, but there was a whole thing about it being a bad omen.
Bad omen or not, I'm glad that I saved his life. I would do the same thing, if I had the chance to redo it.
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... Yes. I think you did the right thing as well. No child should be made to die--especially not for fear of what might happen in the future.
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Mm. To put some astrological nonsense of "fate" before the life of a living person is ridiculous. [ ...well, he has some strong feelings about that, even now! it comes out a bit more strongly than it should have. there's someone that maybe would've scolded him for speaking that way, once, but he can't remember them right now. ]
...Anyway - um, that was what caught the gods attention, though I believe it was moreso the fighting than it was the act of saving that child. I ascended about a month later, when I fought a Wrath-level demon and prevented it from destroying Xian Le.
[ ta da!!!! ] That's the whole story.
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I still don't fully understand how the ascension works or the nature of godhood in your world or what a "Wrath-level" demon means... but it all sounds very impressive.
[ a pause ]
Though, as skilled as you must be, I think saving that child is more worthy of attention than the fighting. [ no offence. ] The gods of your world sound as though they have strange priorities.
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[ hahaha... oops. he laughs, a little sheepishly, and tries for the tl;dr: ]
Basically... ascending is based on action. Everyone who ascends is a god of something - usually either a martial god, or a medicine god, or a literature god, though there are some others. People worship them based on whatever they want to pray for, or what they find most compelling - in my time, I have always been a martial god, so warriors prayed to me most often, but I was also more or less the patron god of Xian Le, so, anyone would come to me for that.
And... [ here, he softens a little. ] ...I agree with you. [ on both accounts. ] But there are rarely any who ascend for acts of kindness - I think my world would be far different, if that was the case.
You said you remembered something of the gods in your world, right, Brother Goat? What are they like?
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... Humans worship many different gods, depending on their culture, though without proof that any exist.
As for the gods themselves, I believe... they were all born as such? No, that doesn't feel quite right... but the idea of humans becoming gods, at least, feels unfamiliar.
I don't recall any identities, either... but I think I may be one of them?
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We did figure out a few weeks ago that you weren't human; to think, we were both godly all along!
You know, if you don't remember what type of god that you were...[ there's a thoughtful pause. ] .... what type of god would you want to be, do you think?
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I'm not sure... One who can help others, though I don't think that's what you were asking. [ ... ] What I remember is that I entered the human realm to save a child.
[ lots of children-saving going around here, apparently... ]
In a much later memory, when that child was grown up, he mentioned that no one in the world knew of me, so if I am a god, I wasn't one anyone worshiped.
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...You...
[ surprise flits across xie lian's face, unbidden, as he search's goat's expression
...and then, it fades a little, into what can only be understanding. an empathetic, quiet sadness, though xie lian tries to keep it off of his face, as he glances down at his lap instead. ]
...It seems we have even more in common still, my friend.
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... So it seems. That child would go on to commit many sins, because of my actions--and that is my own sin. If it is divinity I possess, I lost much of it then... although my powers now are stronger than they were in my later memories, so I may have regained it at some point.
[ ... his expression turns from somber, pensive, to a soft smile, directed at xie lian. ]
Many of my memories are still gone, so I don't know for certain how everything turned out. Still, even with what I know... I don't think I can say that given the chance to redo it all, I would leave that child to die instead, before he had dirtied his hands.
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You said something to me at the beginning of all of this - that even if our memories are lost, that there are parts of that remain engraved on our souls. I think... it's a bit fuzzy, now, but I think you said mine may well have been to help others.
...It sounds like I can say the same for you, too.
What we remember, and what we forget... our mistakes, or our successes... those things don't define any of us as much as the way we act, in moments of crisis, or in moments of decision, and in how we stand by those decisions, too.
[ there's a pause, and xie lian's smile widens, a little, just endlessly thankful. ] Brother Goat - I am so very glad, that I am on your team.
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I think you would've been glad to be on any of the teams. Everyone is kind in their own way. Still, you honour me.
But I agree. It can be difficult to always feel that way, when the memories of one's failures weigh one down... but even if you run away from your mistakes, life will find a way of forcing you to make a decision once more. Is that not so?
All that remains constant is that we must face it, one way or another.
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[ and doesn't xie lian know it. ] No matter how terrifying, or world-ending, or how bleak the path ahead must be, we must move forward upon it. That is the only way to break out of the darkness - by shining a light of your own.
[ xie lian pauses where he's finishing off an or*o, letting goat's words wash over him. they really are cut from a similar cloth, and... he feels a little less hesitant in admitting these things, because of it. ]
...I will admit, my friend, that I think forgetting my failings worries me more, than forgetting my successes. The life that I have lived is wrought with them, and there are some lessons that I have learned, and...some things that only I know, that will vanish from this world if I cease to remember them.
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[ ... ]
I won't ask you to speak of painful things if you don't wish. However, if you want me to remember anything for you, I can.
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xie lian is quiet, for a moment. he looks down at the end of his snack, at his bare, scarred and calloused palms. ]
...Do you remember, aside from the tomato, the very first memory that I told you? Without context, it was off putting.... though with the context, it is worse.
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"The human face disease can only be cured with shed blood." Was that it?
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