... So it seems. That child would go on to commit many sins, because of my actions--and that is my own sin. If it is divinity I possess, I lost much of it then... although my powers now are stronger than they were in my later memories, so I may have regained it at some point.
[ ... his expression turns from somber, pensive, to a soft smile, directed at xie lian. ]
Many of my memories are still gone, so I don't know for certain how everything turned out. Still, even with what I know... I don't think I can say that given the chance to redo it all, I would leave that child to die instead, before he had dirtied his hands.
You said something to me at the beginning of all of this - that even if our memories are lost, that there are parts of that remain engraved on our souls. I think... it's a bit fuzzy, now, but I think you said mine may well have been to help others.
...It sounds like I can say the same for you, too.
What we remember, and what we forget... our mistakes, or our successes... those things don't define any of us as much as the way we act, in moments of crisis, or in moments of decision, and in how we stand by those decisions, too.
[ there's a pause, and xie lian's smile widens, a little, just endlessly thankful. ] Brother Goat - I am so very glad, that I am on your team.
I think you would've been glad to be on any of the teams. Everyone is kind in their own way. Still, you honour me.
But I agree. It can be difficult to always feel that way, when the memories of one's failures weigh one down... but even if you run away from your mistakes, life will find a way of forcing you to make a decision once more. Is that not so?
All that remains constant is that we must face it, one way or another.
[ and doesn't xie lian know it. ] No matter how terrifying, or world-ending, or how bleak the path ahead must be, we must move forward upon it. That is the only way to break out of the darkness - by shining a light of your own.
[ xie lian pauses where he's finishing off an or*o, letting goat's words wash over him. they really are cut from a similar cloth, and... he feels a little less hesitant in admitting these things, because of it. ]
...I will admit, my friend, that I think forgetting my failings worries me more, than forgetting my successes. The life that I have lived is wrought with them, and there are some lessons that I have learned, and...some things that only I know, that will vanish from this world if I cease to remember them.
xie lian is quiet, for a moment. he looks down at the end of his snack, at his bare, scarred and calloused palms. ]
...Do you remember, aside from the tomato, the very first memory that I told you? Without context, it was off putting.... though with the context, it is worse.
[ even hearing it sends a chill down xie lian's spine.
he curls his hands into fists, in his lap. you will never protect anyone, xian le. the phrase from the experience last week had been so bone-chillingly familiar, that it has haunted xie lian's nightmares ever since. not, really, that it's ever stopped.
when he explains, his voice is level, but quiet. low, and tension presents in his shoulders. ] ... I'm glad, that you remember. Since I can understand you... that means I haven't forgotten, either.
..There are only three people in any world who know that phrase. Myself, San Lang... and you.
The Human Face Disease... or plague, was the disease that wiped out most of the population of my kingdom. It is what it sounds like; sores open on the body, in the shape of human faces. They sometimes can gasp or moan - I had seen them even chew on fabric, or grass, as if they were animated.
Once one appears, they continue to multiply. If you cut them off, they return. If one appears on someone's leg, and you cut off their leg - it returns. They cause the host body an indescribable amount of pain and suffering, until it eventually ceases to function; and those who survive it are disfigured for life. It is wildly contagious, and even in its 'incubated' form, there is a chance it will always return.
[ lang ying, with those bandages on his face, looking at him desperate as xie lian tried not to flinch, flickers in the back of his mind. it was supposed to be gone, and... it wasn't. a constant reminder awaited him. even though that child tended to disappear at will.
he closes his eyes, briefly. ] ...The plague took hold after I descended from the Heavens. I chose to leave my godhood behind, to try and help the people of my kingdom deal with a war, and a drought from the neighboring kingdom, and a refugee crisis all at once.
I spent much of my time among the people that year, trying to find the cure.
then, he stands up so that he can walk over and sit down beside xie lian, careful not to upturn the hammock. gently, he places a hand over one of xie lian's.
[ the gesture is not lost on him. he glances over at goat, for a moment, but uses that small point of contact as an anchor to reality. ]
...they did not. [ his voice drops a little, too, though it stays steady. ]
The plague was put upon us by a creature - the White No Face. [ the bai wuxiang. xie lian hates saying his name. he hates thinking of him. there is a tiny part of him that is terrified that he will someday return to walk his realm - even at the beginning, he thought that the realm itself may have been of his doing. ]
It is what we call a "supreme" - the most powerful ghost or demon in the world. There are only three of them, and it -
[ tormented me. tortured me. killed everything that i ever loved. ]
... It set its sight upon my kingdom and wreaked havoc on it. Really, it.. it set its sight on me. It wanted to punish me, and it did so at the cost of thousands of innocent lives.
I hunted for the cure for my entire decension, and eventually, the White No Face gave it to me. He whispered it in my ear, in a camp full of people in agonizing pain from the plague. They all waited on me to tell them what it was, and --
[ he cuts himself off, briefly, feeling the rise of an old, buried emotion rattle in his heart. a pain that he has long since shoved into a box under the stairs, but a pain that never left him, either.
and when he speaks again, his voice cracks. ] --I couldn't, Brother Goat.
"The cure for the human face disease is to shed blood" - the only cure that the White No Face created was for the infected to kill another person. They would have murdered each other, and anyone, and everyone, in their desperation. Men, women, children - it wouldn't have mattered.
[ in an ugly, endless cycle of violence, that would have ripped across xian le.
sometimes, xie lian wonders if he did the right thing, by keeping it secret. (even now, he remembers; that dream that wasn't a dream, where the people of xian le began to tear each other apart. the horror of it was so vivid, as if it been pulled straight from his deepest, darkest nightmares.) did the people suffer more, by plague? or would they have suffered more by killing each other?
even now, he doesn't know.
he takes a deep breath, trying to keep his heart calm, and still. ]
[ xie lian glances to the side at him as he has that realization, and the expression on his face probably says it more than anything else - that goat is exactly right.
the tighter contact helps, though. his fingers flex, and the corner of his mouth lifts a little; xie lian nods at goat, and a quiet gratitude fills him at i am here. besides san lang, no one has ever really been "here" for him. not - not since the white no face. (who claimed, once - your highness, only i will never leave you.)
having someone to lean on... it is a nice change. ]
...Things took a rapid turn for the worse, after that. Between the war with Yong'an, the human face plague, and the drought, the entire kingdom was destroyed, and the ire of the people fell solely upon me, because I could not help them. I had not ever known the taste of failure, until then. I do not blame them even now for it; it is not their fault that they suffered, and that they needed somewhere to release their anger and hurt. We were forced to flee the country, and the Yong'an kingdom took over not long after.
[ there's a moment of silence. thoughtful, quiet, as xie lian lets that information sink in. ]
...You know, when I first arrived here, I thought that the White No Face was the one behind it all. "You can kill someone to receive your memories back" - it sounds like the kind of cruel bargain he would create. I know now, that isn't the truth - he is long defeated.
...but, I saw him last week, when I was "fighting the monsters", and... what I said - that is what happened. In my dream, I watched the people of Xian Le tear each other apart over the cure to the plague, even though I begged them to attack me instead, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
...that it was able to manifest that as my greatest fear made sense, later. Because they turned their weapons on me, first, and it didn't affect me like the ... dream, or whatever it was, must have thought it would have.
Because... The White No Face had already put me through that. He had already taught a hundred infected people - refugees from Xian Le - the cure, trapped them in a temple, and placed a solution in front of them, that they took him up on.
[ its ok goat i am fairly sure no one knows what to say to "i was stabbed over a hundred times in one sitting" its fine
anyway. human knife block xie lian is trying to consider what to say after letting that out, too, for a moment. his memories of that day are fuzzy, and not because of the realm - he finally passed out from the pain near the end, and it had taken days for his body to reform itself into anything that wasn't a pile of flesh. most of those days were bleak - the worst of xie lian's life.
...however, as he's thinking, goat speaks up, and xie lian looks at him, surprised. ]
I ...
[ ...
the surprise fades, into something softer, touched. ] ...I would like that very much.
[ xie lian has lived a long, lonely life. even with pieces of it starting to fragment away because of the nature of the realm, he is aware of the past eight hundred years, and how utterly lonely they have been. after he lost everything, and everyone, he wandered the world alone, often starving, with only ruoye for company. he is not used to having anyone to talk to - even san lang being there still feels novel, since it's barely been a few months.
he's always been one to quietly hold onto his burdens. he's never minded doing so - he never blamed the people of xian le for their anger, he never blamed feng xin or mu qing for leaving, he never blamed anyone for anything but the white no face and himself, in many ways, because he's learned how he still can hold the weight of his sorrow.
over and over, he holds on to the tiniest gestures of goodness and kindness in the world, whether that was a hot meal, or somewhere to sleep, or even someone smiling at him on the road. something like this - a genuine, warm gesture of comfort from someone else, is something he's given often, in the realm, but... not something he can remember receiving.
he turns to help goat when he adjusts, and as he settles into the hug, it takes him a moment to really settle. xie lian's hands hover, just briefly, before he returns the gesture, fingers curling in the back of his uniform. he ducks his head, for the moment, and tries to hold onto this gesture of kindness.
it is always gestures of kindness that made life worth living.
there's a beat, quiet, and he exhales, then murmurs, just loud enough to be heard: ] ...thank you.
[ and even that means something. such a simple little affirmation, tied to a warm gesture of kindness.
xie lian stands by it - he is still so, so very glad he ended up on goat's team.
when he pulls back from the hug, it's with a quiet sniffle, and xie lian takes a moment to reach up and wipe at his eyes, composing himself again properly and letting his hands fall back into his lap. ] ...You know, I've never told anyone that before. There's never really been a reason to. The Realm is really...
[ he trails off, and then shakes his head, giving him a small smile. ] ...You really are very easy to talk to, Brother Goat.
Haha... if that’s the case, then my heart has never been so strong.
[ xie lian lifts his hand, reaching up to gently touch over his own heart. ] There are many things that I have carried by myself, over the years - many burdens, but many sorrows, too. It’s rare that I’ve had anyone to talk to at all, all this time.
So for that matter, I’m especially glad that I can talk so easily with you.
... Then, I am glad if I can ease your solitude even a little.
[ a brief pause. ]
Though we may not be from the same world, and so there are many things I may not understand well... it is my hope that you will continue to share your life with me.
En - I will. In a sense, I think that makes things easier... there are no pretenses involved.
And...Brother Goat, I hope that you'll feel comfortable to share yours with me, too, as you remember. [ there's a seriousness to it, a weight of an important friendship - and lots of genuine warmth and care, too. ] I know that this duty that has been placed upon you comes with many difficulties, aside from the amnesia, but you have allowed me to lean on you many times. It would be my honor to return the favor.
[ a little brighter, with a smile, xie lian clasps his hands together. ] And besides! Who knows how many more similarities we'll discover, Brother Goat? I look forward to learning about you along with you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... So it seems. That child would go on to commit many sins, because of my actions--and that is my own sin. If it is divinity I possess, I lost much of it then... although my powers now are stronger than they were in my later memories, so I may have regained it at some point.
[ ... his expression turns from somber, pensive, to a soft smile, directed at xie lian. ]
Many of my memories are still gone, so I don't know for certain how everything turned out. Still, even with what I know... I don't think I can say that given the chance to redo it all, I would leave that child to die instead, before he had dirtied his hands.
no subject
You said something to me at the beginning of all of this - that even if our memories are lost, that there are parts of that remain engraved on our souls. I think... it's a bit fuzzy, now, but I think you said mine may well have been to help others.
...It sounds like I can say the same for you, too.
What we remember, and what we forget... our mistakes, or our successes... those things don't define any of us as much as the way we act, in moments of crisis, or in moments of decision, and in how we stand by those decisions, too.
[ there's a pause, and xie lian's smile widens, a little, just endlessly thankful. ] Brother Goat - I am so very glad, that I am on your team.
no subject
I think you would've been glad to be on any of the teams. Everyone is kind in their own way. Still, you honour me.
But I agree. It can be difficult to always feel that way, when the memories of one's failures weigh one down... but even if you run away from your mistakes, life will find a way of forcing you to make a decision once more. Is that not so?
All that remains constant is that we must face it, one way or another.
no subject
[ and doesn't xie lian know it. ] No matter how terrifying, or world-ending, or how bleak the path ahead must be, we must move forward upon it. That is the only way to break out of the darkness - by shining a light of your own.
[ xie lian pauses where he's finishing off an or*o, letting goat's words wash over him. they really are cut from a similar cloth, and... he feels a little less hesitant in admitting these things, because of it. ]
...I will admit, my friend, that I think forgetting my failings worries me more, than forgetting my successes. The life that I have lived is wrought with them, and there are some lessons that I have learned, and...some things that only I know, that will vanish from this world if I cease to remember them.
no subject
[ ... ]
I won't ask you to speak of painful things if you don't wish. However, if you want me to remember anything for you, I can.
no subject
xie lian is quiet, for a moment. he looks down at the end of his snack, at his bare, scarred and calloused palms. ]
...Do you remember, aside from the tomato, the very first memory that I told you? Without context, it was off putting.... though with the context, it is worse.
no subject
"The human face disease can only be cured with shed blood." Was that it?
no subject
[ even hearing it sends a chill down xie lian's spine.
he curls his hands into fists, in his lap. you will never protect anyone, xian le. the phrase from the experience last week had been so bone-chillingly familiar, that it has haunted xie lian's nightmares ever since. not, really, that it's ever stopped.
when he explains, his voice is level, but quiet. low, and tension presents in his shoulders. ] ... I'm glad, that you remember. Since I can understand you... that means I haven't forgotten, either.
..There are only three people in any world who know that phrase. Myself, San Lang... and you.
The Human Face Disease... or plague, was the disease that wiped out most of the population of my kingdom. It is what it sounds like; sores open on the body, in the shape of human faces. They sometimes can gasp or moan - I had seen them even chew on fabric, or grass, as if they were animated.
Once one appears, they continue to multiply. If you cut them off, they return. If one appears on someone's leg, and you cut off their leg - it returns. They cause the host body an indescribable amount of pain and suffering, until it eventually ceases to function; and those who survive it are disfigured for life. It is wildly contagious, and even in its 'incubated' form, there is a chance it will always return.
[ lang ying, with those bandages on his face, looking at him desperate as xie lian tried not to flinch, flickers in the back of his mind. it was supposed to be gone, and... it wasn't. a constant reminder awaited him. even though that child tended to disappear at will.
he closes his eyes, briefly. ] ...The plague took hold after I descended from the Heavens. I chose to leave my godhood behind, to try and help the people of my kingdom deal with a war, and a drought from the neighboring kingdom, and a refugee crisis all at once.
I spent much of my time among the people that year, trying to find the cure.
no subject
then, he stands up so that he can walk over and sit down beside xie lian, careful not to upturn the hammock. gently, he places a hand over one of xie lian's.
and quietly, ]
... But things did not go well.
no subject
...they did not. [ his voice drops a little, too, though it stays steady. ]
The plague was put upon us by a creature - the White No Face. [ the bai wuxiang. xie lian hates saying his name. he hates thinking of him. there is a tiny part of him that is terrified that he will someday return to walk his realm - even at the beginning, he thought that the realm itself may have been of his doing. ]
It is what we call a "supreme" - the most powerful ghost or demon in the world. There are only three of them, and it -
[ tormented me. tortured me. killed everything that i ever loved. ]
... It set its sight upon my kingdom and wreaked havoc on it. Really, it.. it set its sight on me. It wanted to punish me, and it did so at the cost of thousands of innocent lives.
I hunted for the cure for my entire decension, and eventually, the White No Face gave it to me. He whispered it in my ear, in a camp full of people in agonizing pain from the plague. They all waited on me to tell them what it was, and --
[ he cuts himself off, briefly, feeling the rise of an old, buried emotion rattle in his heart. a pain that he has long since shoved into a box under the stairs, but a pain that never left him, either.
and when he speaks again, his voice cracks. ] --I couldn't, Brother Goat.
"The cure for the human face disease is to shed blood" - the only cure that the White No Face created was for the infected to kill another person. They would have murdered each other, and anyone, and everyone, in their desperation. Men, women, children - it wouldn't have mattered.
[ in an ugly, endless cycle of violence, that would have ripped across xian le.
sometimes, xie lian wonders if he did the right thing, by keeping it secret. (even now, he remembers; that dream that wasn't a dream, where the people of xian le began to tear each other apart. the horror of it was so vivid, as if it been pulled straight from his deepest, darkest nightmares.) did the people suffer more, by plague? or would they have suffered more by killing each other?
even now, he doesn't know.
he takes a deep breath, trying to keep his heart calm, and still. ]
no subject
his hand tightens over xie lian's. ]
... He meant for the cure to destroy you and your people, no matter what you chose.
[ a question, and a statement. ]
Do not force yourself. [ to think about his pain and sorrow, or to speak, more quickly than he can handle. ] I am here.
no subject
the tighter contact helps, though. his fingers flex, and the corner of his mouth lifts a little; xie lian nods at goat, and a quiet gratitude fills him at i am here. besides san lang, no one has ever really been "here" for him. not - not since the white no face. (who claimed, once - your highness, only i will never leave you.)
having someone to lean on... it is a nice change. ]
...Things took a rapid turn for the worse, after that. Between the war with Yong'an, the human face plague, and the drought, the entire kingdom was destroyed, and the ire of the people fell solely upon me, because I could not help them. I had not ever known the taste of failure, until then. I do not blame them even now for it; it is not their fault that they suffered, and that they needed somewhere to release their anger and hurt. We were forced to flee the country, and the Yong'an kingdom took over not long after.
[ there's a moment of silence. thoughtful, quiet, as xie lian lets that information sink in. ]
...You know, when I first arrived here, I thought that the White No Face was the one behind it all. "You can kill someone to receive your memories back" - it sounds like the kind of cruel bargain he would create. I know now, that isn't the truth - he is long defeated.
...but, I saw him last week, when I was "fighting the monsters", and... what I said - that is what happened. In my dream, I watched the people of Xian Le tear each other apart over the cure to the plague, even though I begged them to attack me instead, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
...that it was able to manifest that as my greatest fear made sense, later. Because they turned their weapons on me, first, and it didn't affect me like the ... dream, or whatever it was, must have thought it would have.
Because... The White No Face had already put me through that. He had already taught a hundred infected people - refugees from Xian Le - the cure, trapped them in a temple, and placed a solution in front of them, that they took him up on.
no subject
They used you.
no subject
not really much to say, besides that. ]
no subject
...
ultimately, ]
Do you... want a hug?
no subject
anyway. human knife block xie lian is trying to consider what to say after letting that out, too, for a moment. his memories of that day are fuzzy, and not because of the realm - he finally passed out from the pain near the end, and it had taken days for his body to reform itself into anything that wasn't a pile of flesh. most of those days were bleak - the worst of xie lian's life.
...however, as he's thinking, goat speaks up, and xie lian looks at him, surprised. ]
I ...
[ ...
the surprise fades, into something softer, touched. ] ...I would like that very much.
no subject
gently--the hammock does make moving around a little difficult--they reach over to embrace xie lian. ]
no subject
he's always been one to quietly hold onto his burdens. he's never minded doing so - he never blamed the people of xian le for their anger, he never blamed feng xin or mu qing for leaving, he never blamed anyone for anything but the white no face and himself, in many ways, because he's learned how he still can hold the weight of his sorrow.
over and over, he holds on to the tiniest gestures of goodness and kindness in the world, whether that was a hot meal, or somewhere to sleep, or even someone smiling at him on the road. something like this - a genuine, warm gesture of comfort from someone else, is something he's given often, in the realm, but... not something he can remember receiving.
he turns to help goat when he adjusts, and as he settles into the hug, it takes him a moment to really settle. xie lian's hands hover, just briefly, before he returns the gesture, fingers curling in the back of his uniform. he ducks his head, for the moment, and tries to hold onto this gesture of kindness.
it is always gestures of kindness that made life worth living.
there's a beat, quiet, and he exhales, then murmurs, just loud enough to be heard: ] ...thank you.
no subject
there are many things goat could say. not all of them, he necessarily knows--he isn't exactly the best with words, as removed from humanity as he is.
he lets quiet fill the air for a few moments, before he responds, gentle. ]
I am here.
no subject
xie lian stands by it - he is still so, so very glad he ended up on goat's team.
when he pulls back from the hug, it's with a quiet sniffle, and xie lian takes a moment to reach up and wipe at his eyes, composing himself again properly and letting his hands fall back into his lap. ] ...You know, I've never told anyone that before. There's never really been a reason to. The Realm is really...
[ he trails off, and then shakes his head, giving him a small smile. ] ...You really are very easy to talk to, Brother Goat.
no subject
at xie lian's comment, he slowly shakes his head, before returning the smile. ]
... It is the strength of your own heart that allows you to voice your pain.
no subject
[ xie lian lifts his hand, reaching up to gently touch over his own heart. ] There are many things that I have carried by myself, over the years - many burdens, but many sorrows, too. It’s rare that I’ve had anyone to talk to at all, all this time.
So for that matter, I’m especially glad that I can talk so easily with you.
no subject
[ a brief pause. ]
Though we may not be from the same world, and so there are many things I may not understand well... it is my hope that you will continue to share your life with me.
no subject
And...Brother Goat, I hope that you'll feel comfortable to share yours with me, too, as you remember. [ there's a seriousness to it, a weight of an important friendship - and lots of genuine warmth and care, too. ] I know that this duty that has been placed upon you comes with many difficulties, aside from the amnesia, but you have allowed me to lean on you many times. It would be my honor to return the favor.
[ a little brighter, with a smile, xie lian clasps his hands together. ] And besides! Who knows how many more similarities we'll discover, Brother Goat? I look forward to learning about you along with you.
no subject
[ he bows his head, just slightly. ]
Thank you. I am glad to have you here with me, Xie Lian.